TIE YOUR MOTHER DOWN

- Show me your knickers.- she said- No....- I said, avoiding her gaze.
- SHOW ME YOUR KNICKERS! You've wet yourself again, haven't you?

 My face went all red.

- No...- I said in a shaky voice.

She pulled my knickers off and sniffed them. My eyes started to water as my whole body trembled. I knelt on the floor, still not looking at her face.

- I'm sorry Mum, I let go a few drops. I promise it won't happen again...

- I knew it! You filthy girl...

She pulled me onto her laps and smacked me on the bottom, first with her hand, and when her hand was burning red she used her belt on me. I cried in silence, as usual. I was just six years old, and this was not the first time this had happened.

Little did I know then that she had problems of her own. I tried to tell my Dad about it, but he wouldn't believe me. Every night, after dinner, I would lock myself in my bedroom and use my pillow as a punching bag. I remember hitting the pillow until my hands hurt. If I was really angry I would hit the wall until I got myself bruised. I knew they could hear me from the living room shouting at my pillow. I wanted to get their attention. I wanted to get anyone's attention. I just needed somebody to care.

I learnt not to get on my Mum's way. I learnt to carry an extra pair of clean knickers in my schoolbag and get changed on the bus. That worked for a while, until one day she noticed the other pair in the laundry basket. I hid under my bed and tried not to breath, childishly thinking she wouldn't find me there.

That night I showed my Dad the marks on my bottom. He didn't say anything, but I saw from the look on his face that my Mum wouldn't harm me again.

And she didn't. At least not in that way.